Week 14 - The Biggest Guy in the Room

I'm somewhat in shock after my weigh in this morning.  This week was really quite topsy turvey with regards to the settled routine that I have found myself in.  Social events on what are meant to be good eating days.  Training sessions on different days and times.  It did my poor little slightly OCD head in a bit....to the point where all indicators were that I would put on weight.  I expected a few hundred grams, which in the scheme of things isn't very much.  But.....damn it....I work hard to go down on the scales and every bit counts.

So to find another loss of 200 grams this morning nearly floored me.  Even better than that was that the average of my weight for the week was down 300 grams.  At this rate I will reach my goal in 2035......but, hey, who said I was in a hurry.  I am sure I can keep flogging myself until then.....Just joking.  I won't be happy if I only lose 200 grams every week.  But, I will take what I can get this time for sure.

We had a top flight MMA coach visit our gym this week.  From what I can tell it is relatively common to get in an outside expert to train specific things or even just share their expertise and perspective on their particular discipline.  There even appear to be promoters who will bring out top coaches or ex-fighters from overseas to run seminars (or workshops as I call them).  You may recall that I went on one such seminar not so long ago and shared some of the experience in a previous post - An Unexpected Pleasure.  This session was a little different as it was set up directly by our coach and it was his coach running it.  That personal connection makes it all the more meaningful in my opinion and it was a great night to be involved with.

One thing that finally cemented in my thinking on the night was something that has been circling around up there somewhat without me wanting to approach it directly.  Put simply, I am no longer the biggest guy in the room.  It sounds simple enough.  Even something that could be completely positive.  To be fair it is positive in many ways.  I am trying to get smaller after all.  I need to be downsizing if I ever hope to achieve my goal weight and to compete at light heavyweight.  It is also quite confronting in some respects as well.  Now stay with me for a minute while I draw a slightly left field comparison.

Wreck-it-Ralph - the biggest guy in video games

I am a professional computer nerd.  By that I mean I work in IT for a living.  More than that, as with most people that work in the industry I have a natural interest in geeky computer type stuff and my brain lends itself to a general understanding of the concepts involved.  Enough to keep me gainfully employed at least.  I have over the years also held more than a passing interest in computer games as is often the case with the nerd herd.  To this day I can still be found on the odd occasion to be logging into whatever the game of choice is for me and some of my geeky brethren.  Now before you judge....know this, as at 2011, the ESA study titled - Essential Facts about the computer and video game industry (that you can read if you follow that link), the average age of a video game player was 37.  I am now 39....so doing the maths....I am average!  Yay....I think.  So what's the point?

When you play computer games, generally you can set the how hard the game plays.  So when you are starting out, you set it at easy.  Then, as you improve, you up the difficulty level to keep it challenging and fun.  That's the theory anyway.  In fact, many people will play the same game from start to finish at each difficulty level just so that they have completely beaten the game.  Then there's someone like me.  I'm really not all that serious about it.  Not 'hard core' as they say.  I tended to play games on one of the easier settings.  Maybe a little too easy.  Just to get that sense of accomplishment.  I'd often try the harder difficulty levels and sooner than I'd like to admit I would usually end up losing interest as the 'winning' kind of drifted away.  I wasn't willing to put in the time to get good enough at whatever game it was to really beat it.  There were exceptions, but, not many.  Again, "what is the point?" I hear you ask.

I've reflected previously, that in my martial arts training, my size has often hidden my inexperience and lack of skill.  I have been able to muscle my way out of situations that would have otherwise seen a more skilful person win out.  Well, I am no longer the biggest guy in the room.  On any given day or night of training, there can be anywhere from one to five guys that are bigger than me.  Which to be honest is awesome.  Not only are they great people, but, for so long I was worried that I was going to break my training partner because of a size mismatch.  Now, with rare exceptions I can match up with guys that are at least as big as me.  Better still, I can match up with a wider variety of more skilful people and while in most cases I am still bigger, it is not so much as to mask where my skills are lacking.  Add to that the change in my mindset towards an approach to training where I want to explore all positions and situations, dominant and inferior and my drop in size is really opening up some new opportunities in my martial arts journey.  It also forms part of my exploration of what it means to be a good training partner and efforts to become one.  That's a good thing right?

There is a challenge for me in there that sticks out quite starkly.  The difficulty level of the game has just been turned up a level or two.  Whilst much of me is thrilled at the new challenges that are presenting now that the muscle option is not always possible, there is a part of me, perhaps where the confidence and ego dwells, that is nervous to say the least.

I was outclassed in a competitive session recently.  Nothing to do with size.  It was all about skill level.  After I got over my frustration at my own lack of ability in the particular discipline, I resolved to practice more.  Spend time practicing the fundamentals of the skills that I need to work on to be better.  I'll never be the best, but, it doesn't hurt anyone to be the best I can be.  The question floating in the back of my mind that came forward after the session with the visiting coach this week was around how will I react to the difficulty level being turned up a notch or two now that I can no longer hide behind being 20kgs heavier than everyone else.  To be fair, those around me are really improving their skills too.  People are genuinely getting much better and it tends to correlate to how much effort and time on the mats that they are investing.

There was also the opportunity to practice one on one with the visiting coach on the night.  I found myself excited and terrified in equal measure at the thought.  There's nothing to say that I would have been one of the few chosen for the privilege, but, I pretty much took myself out of the running by doing a fantastic impression of a  remarkably large invisible man.  Even though the outcome of that opportunity was made certain by his skill, not my size, the question remains, day to day, can my ego cope with not being the biggest guy in the room and having my deficiencies highlighted as a result.  The only answer I have to this point is, so far so good.

I'm enjoying everything about where I am training, what I am learning and generally the whole experience too much to find a new game to play.  It is the vehicle for the progress in my weight and health that has worked so well for me until now.  Why would I want to give it up?  Can you hear me convincing myself along the way?  In all honesty, I think I just need to process the changes in my own introverted way.  They are pretty big changes in terms of ego and impressions of self-worth in the context of what is at its core a competitive, albeit very supportive environment and my own desire to compete in this sport of MMA.

There are so many positives in not being the biggest guy in the room.  I guess sharing what I thought was an interesting part of the psychology might help me, if no one else.  So thanks for indulging me if you have made it this far.